It’s been my experience, so far, that great pain in life is often prologue to great change.

Over the past few months I’ve been in a near-constant state of what I would describe as great pain, but could probably also be described as anxiety, general nervousness, and an inability to relax. This was due to the following:

- a desperate need to ship 500 double vinyl records to 500 irritated and rightfully angry customers, coinciding with an inability to find any time to do anything.

- an increasingly chaotic and tense work environment

- an intense need to make more money while saving for the wedding

- an inability, during this time, to be artistically productive in any way

It’s the last one, I think, that made the first three particularly bad. The pressures of my life aren’t new; I bring it on myself. I know that. But normally, I’m able to externalize those pressures, to forget them for a moment while I lose myself in music, or in writing, or any other pursuit where the self is absorbed into a pure moment of creation and joy. Not to put too fine a point on it.

But this time, these pressures were accompanied by something I can’t quite call Writer’s Block, since I’m pretty sure you have to be sitting down, ready to create, and then unable to produce for something to qualify. My problem is that my priorities were simply elsewhere. I didn’t sit down. I wasn’t doing The Work. It wasn’t important. And that’s what was bothering me.

I feel like my entire adult life, short though it may be, has so far been the story of trying to find a balance between a fear of being unable to support my family, both present and future, and wanting, needing, to pursue artistic expression. Nothing I produce can support me financially, but nothing that can support me financially can make me truly happy.

So I’m stuck with the question: throw all my weight into my creative work, and hope that it pays the bills somehow? Or throw my weight behind paying the bills, and pursue art on the side? Pursue one, cheat the other. Maybe if I focused more on (writing music/making money) I would be more successful, but because I’m wasting time (writing music/making money) I’m holding myself back. Over, and over, and over again.

The added pressure of shipping the vinyl, and the dejection, disappointment, and depression (the 3 D’s) that set in when I just wasn’t able to get them out on anything remotely resembling a decent timeline, really forced me to step back and think about my life. I don’t know who I am: a mediocre freelance web designer moonlighting as a mildly successful musician, or vice versa.

So. The plan. The plan is that this summer, I’ll try something new. Try to do the all-self-employed thing. Try to make up the difference with web and creative work – think of something new for the label, pay myself, go out and find clients and really throw myself into everything and see what comes out. I don’t know if it will work. I don’t know if this is a horrible idea. But I’m going to try.

We’ll see.

I posted a bit about goal setting over at Eternal Suffering Society, and posted my personal goals for 2012 as well.

I’m saying this now: 2012 is the year. Really. I feel it.

Here are my goals. Hold me to them.

My Goals For 2012

1. Double my self-employed income. This was by far my best year for making money outside the bounds of my regular job. In fact, it was really the first year I made any significant amount of money on my own. I want to take that progress and build off of it, doubling my income from web design and hosting. To that end I invested a fair amount of the money I made into business training and resources. I’m going for it; this is the year, do or die.

2. Weigh 180 pounds by July. I started last year about 15 pounds lighter than I am now, and that’s a bum out to me. There are reasons – I got injured and stopped exercising, more stress at the job, etc. There are no excuses, however. This is something I have to address, and this is a much more realistic goal than I set for myself last year.

3. Exercise regularly, twice a week. Part of achieving #2. I always try this, and always fail. To beat myself into submission I actually hired a personal trainer to make me go, as well as to help rehabilitate my back (the injury I mentioned earlier). So far, it’s working.

4. Release two records. I went through a long period, after releasing my last record, of not recording or writing at all. That sucks, and so I’m observing a strict recording schedule, good or bad. Two records is certainly doable, but it’s a bit of a reach, considering my usual pace.

5. Get married. I’m getting married in October. It’s more work than I thought it’d be. It also requires a pretty rigorous savings schedule, which I’m observing now.

6. Produce a podcast. This is something I’ve always wanted to do, though I’m not sure why. I’m going to give it a shot.

7. Record label reboot. I’m redoing my record label’s website, online store, and a few business-y things (printing a mailorder catalog, etc). I spent most of 2011 gathering data on what works for us and what doesn’t, and this is the year I streamline much of the process to max out what works and reduce what’s wasteful.

That’s it for 2012. A bit shorter than normal for me, but I’ve got some really major things in there.

Again: champagne year. I’m doing this. Kill everyone, destroy everything.

Ah, the annual review. The point at which I look back on the year and see what, exactly, all my flailing about has accomplished.

Looking back and reflecting on yourself is the key component to purposefully designing your life, rather than letting your life design you. It can be done hourly, daily, monthly.

But a year has a special hold on the imagination. One year. For me, the year between the ages of 30 and 31. Old man, now.

In 2010, I accomplished 11 out of 14 goals, for a completion percentage of 79%.

Let’s see how I did last year.

Goals For 2011

1. Mamaleek, Giles Corey, Perfect Shapes Releases

PARTIALLY ACCOMPLISHED.

Mamaleek and Giles Corey did, in fact, get released in 2011. Mamaleek was recently noted as one of Forbes magazines best free albums. Giles Corey has sold over 700 copies and continues to do well. Lots of positive reactions.

Getting Giles Corey done was a much bigger deal to me than it may seem by it’s place in this list. It was the culmination of years of work, an intensely personal and emotional experience that really and truly closed an over-long chapter of my life. I’m a different person now.

Perfect Shapes did not see a release this year, though that was because the band is still working on the record. I’m going to go ahead and count this one as accomplished, since there wasn’t much I could do about it.

2. CTKVLT up and running.

FAILED.

CTKVLT fell by the wayside. Why? Partially uncertainty about the entire model I was proposing, partially concern over other things, like financial stability, thesis, and so on. In the end, I was having a hard enough time running the label, and decided to stop trying to make the label financially successful, and to accomplish that through other means.

In short, priority shift.

3. Giles Corey live show.

ACCOMPLISHED.

Giles Corey played in Atlantic City. Was it rushed? Yes. Was it as good as I wanted, as polished, as perfect? No. Again, it’s very difficult to get people together enough times to really get to the point I always picture in my head.

That said, we did it. It wasn’t horrible. People sacrificed time, gas, and convenience to help me get this done. Great thanks are due to Ted, Tim, and Thom, who helped make this a reality.

4. ELHR book.

FAILED.

I was working on this for the first half of the year, but in the end had to abandon it in order to finish my history master’s thesis. I just couldn’t handle two major writing projects at once, and underestimated the amount of time it would take me to finish my thesis.

This is still something I want to do. It will probably be a loser for me in terms of time spent and income generated. Still, it’s in there, somewhere. It needs to get out.

5. Passive income = 1000$ a month.

PARTIALLY ACCOMPLISHED.

I say “partially” because I did generate that much income, though not fully passively. The web design stuff I’ve been doing is partially farmed out to others, making some of that income passive. At the moment, however, I’m doing much of it myself, which I don’t mind at all.

The other caveat is that I don’t generate that much income consistently; it goes up and down. Still, this the closest I have ever come to reaching this goal, and this is one that repeats almost every year. That is both exciting and terrifying. Whenever someone pays me money, I am consumed by the fear that I will be found out as an impostor.

I’m working on it.

6. Full-time teaching job.

FAILED.

Last year, I wrote:

A real, honest-to-goodness job. You know, like adults have. The job market for history teachers is fucking awful. I don’t care. They say it can’t be done, but I say it can.

Well, it turns out they were right.

I didn’t really throw myself into the job search, partially because of timing issues (got my certificate a bit late in the job-hunting season for teachers) and partially because of reservations left over from student teaching. I also ended up in a really great job, making more than I ever have with a pretty sweet schedule. That sapped some of the fire from my belly in terms of looking for teaching gigs.

That said, it is truly a horrible job market for teachers. We’ll see what happens this year.

7. Thesis done

ACCOMPLISHED.

This was a fucking beast. It took so much longer than I expected, but yes, finally, it’s done. All the way. I passed. Now I just need to fill out some paperwork and get my diploma.

Thank god.

8. Page with history lesson plans up

ACCOMPLISHED.

An online portfolio as part of my teaching application. I did it. Site is temporarily down at the moment, but I used it when I needed it. Not sure what effect, if any, it had. If I do this again I will probably do a much simpler site.

9. Read a book a month

ACCOMPLISHED.

I read 19 books this year, counting only Kindle books. Almost all were personal development/business-type books. The Kindle is amazing for this kind of thing, and has increased the rate at which I read books. I love it. I’m going to continue at this pace from now on.

10. Learn to speed-read

ACCOMPLISHED.

I did this at the beginning of the year. I’m not sure how much of it I use in actual practice, but my words per minute has, in fact, gone up. I’m also much better at skipping around, only reading what I need, etc.

11. Analyze enemies list statistics

ACCOMPLISHED.

I did, in fact, collect far more data on enemies list this year. The most startling statistic? Almost all of our customers are one-timers. This was the exact opposite of what I thought – that we had a strong repeat customer base.

This finding alone was worth the price of admission. It’s the impetus behind the “catalog” I want to print this year.

12. 80/20 analyze my entire life – cut the bad, increase the good.

FAILED.

Though I started this, I wouldn’t say I stuck with it or used it in any real way to change my life. That’s a shame.

I think I tried to focus on high-leverage activities, but instead was blown hither and yon by both life in general and my attention deficit problems in specific.

I should take another look at this.

13. Get to 10% body fat in three months.

FAILED.

This was a big, fat failure. In fact, I gained weight this year, putting me up near 190 lbs form the 175 I started at in January.

Why? A few reasons: for one, this goal was far too ambitious. Secondly, I injured myself at the beginning of the summer, putting a definitive end to any exercise I was doing. Next, my work schedule changed, providing me the opportunity and “need” to grab fast food for lunch instead of eating at home.

This is a problem. Dealing with it is a big part of my goals for 2012.

14. Another HANL show.

FAILED.

This just wasn’t possible. With our schedules, we’re lucky when we get to see each other, much less have regular band practices.

In 2011 I accomplished 8 out of 14 goals, giving me a 57% accomplishment rate.

Not that great.

Looking back, however, I think the accomplishment rate might be a bit misleading. Releasing Giles Corey and finishing my thesis were huge, huge successes in my life; in a more accurate accounting, I think these would be weighted as being worth two goals each, putting me closer to 71%.

However, that’s not how we do things around here, so the score stays. The solution is what it always is: better next year.

Happy New Year.

I’ve decided to try and blog a bit more seriously on productivity, self-help and so on; partially because its fun, and partially because its a good way to force me to work on the upcoming self-help book I’ve been thinking about.

In any case, the productivity and self-help blog is now located at www.EternalSufferingSociety.com.

I’ve been dreaming about Buffy The Vampire Slayer. A lot.

A while back I decided to give Buffy, perhaps to the most well-known “cult hit” of all time, a chance. I’d never wanted to watch it, despite really enjoying Dollhouse and Firefly, which were both written and produced by Joss Whedon. Something about Buffy’s campy, “cheesey” appearance turned me off. Not to mention the premise in general.

Well, I’m writing this after watching all 7 seasons of Buffy, so clearly, I was wrong. I’m even watching Angel, Buffy’s spin-off sister series, which is nowhere near as good (and is, in fact, often quite bad) but benefits from just-enough of the Buffy aura that I’m enjoying it. The comics which continue the Buffy storyline sit in my Amazon wish list, and the moment I’m once again fully employed (did I mention that I am semi-unemployed? Probably explains how I’m watching so much TV), those’ll be on their way.

What happened?

I do tend to go through TV binges about once a year, usually in the summer when work slows down. Last year, it was Robson Greene and Wire In The Blood, a psychologist-tracks-serial-killers drama. I got absorbed into Greene’s character, the forgetful, often clumsy, borderline-autistic academic who feels a natural kinship to dark, sinister forces. That was more or less a simple case of projection: he reminded me of me, just in a more dramatic environment.

What draws me to Buffy is less obvious. There are certainly less immediately recognizable characters, with the possible exception of the wise-cracking Xander Harris. The setting is, indeed, fairly cheesy (although this is not exploited in the way I originally feared. The cheesiness of the world comes from the horror movies that lie at Buffy‘s foundations; the people and environments follow the laws and tropes of the universe of Dracula and The Thing, not our own. The show accepts those laws, and moves on). The show is noticeably “TV-looking,” especially early on. There are some roll-your-eyes moments, even some roll-your-eyes plot-lines.

To be sure, the show has a large number of things going for it. The writing, especially towards the middle of the show’s run, hits a unique stride that would come to define Whedon’s style: snappy come-backs, off-kilter remarks that break and mock genre conventions, unexpectedly emotional moments amidst bizarre circumstances. The acting is great, with even the most seemingly one-dimensional characters revealing new and interesting facets to themselves and the world they inhabit. The show’s trope of turning the troubles and pains of adolesence into metaphysical evils, demons and monsters, is effective even when you know what’s going on. The “monster-of-the-week” formula takes on a bit more meaning as a metaphor for losing your virginity, or being betrayed by a friend, or worrying that life is meaningless.

But you can find good writing and stories in a lot of shows, and I haven’t felt this connected to a series in a long, long time. What makes Buffy different?

In the end, it’s the core of Buffy – the powerful bond between “the Scooby Gang” of Buffy, Xander, Willow, and Giles – that lets me get so invested in the show. Especially if you’re a loner – if you had a hard time in high school and afterwards, if you’ve had a strong group of friends in the past that seems to have disappeared, if you longed for a bond but weren’t quite sure how to make it happen – Buffy is the ultimate fantasy. A core group, stronger than any outside force. People who will be there for you. Someone you know you can call, or go to. People you see every day, people who will always be there.

That group feeling is intoxicating. It’s something I’ve always wanted, but don’t feel particularly designed to have. I haven’t had a group like that since high school, and even then, I was never quite sure of myself (who is, in high school?).

For all of the show’s strong points (and there are many), it’s the core group, and the feeling of belonging, that draw me into the show and make it more than just a story about vampires. There’s a reason I’ve been dreaming about Buffy, and it isn’t that I want to fight evil. It’s that a part of me always wishes I could be part of a close-knit group…and that another part of me will never let that happen.

It’s always nice to imagine.

By the way, the Giles Corey show is tomorrow. Come down if you are around.

Saturday, August 13th
3:00pm – Sunday at 4:00am

Boneyard Bar and Grill
20 south Virgina ave
Atlantic City, NJ

We play at 8:15 pm.

I’ve been particularly stressed out lately – feeling worn around the edges, not quite being able to get started on, or finish, anything in particular. It’s a horrible feeling. It’s a bit like in a dream, the ones where you know you have to be there, that it’s vitally important that you be there on time, but you’re not sure where to go, and so you stumble around blindly, hoping each new corner will reveal the answer. And, of course, it never does.

I get like this every now and then: shiftless, lazy, unmotivated, but constantly berating myself for being that way. It’s a unique ability I have, this skill of both being completely lazy and relaxed and not enjoying a second of it.

Eventually, it starts to seep into my personality, and I’ll become bitchy, overly sensitive. I got so mad at some woman tailgating me I almost drove off the road. What the fuck was that all about, I thought? And what the fuck is all of it about?

For one, I think I’m being pulled in too many directions at once, have too many projects, demands on my time, and problems. I’ve been working long days. On top of that, I’ve been freelance tutoring, packing orders for the label, making dinner every night (Thao gets home from work quite late), writing my thesis, preparing for the Giles Corey show, trying to figure out our next few releases, getting ready for the Deathconsciousness repressing, putting together my resume and teaching portfolio, applying for jobs, getting ready for the adult education classes I’ll be teaching in October, writing the self-help book, etc. All this combined makes for a reluctance to start anything, because it’s all too overwhelming.

Somewhere in there should be “recording and writing music,” but it isn’t. I haven’t touched anything. I’ve listened to the new HAVE A NICE LIFE material in the car a few times, but that’s the extent of it. Most of the songs just need vocals, and some mixing; I can’t even bring myself to think about it. Too many other things.

Of course, the fact that I’m not recording, not writing, not being engaged in the very thing that got me to where I am, is contributing to my feeling of being overwhelmed. I think, anyway. Music has cleansing properties. It’s a “simple” task – sit at the desk, or the piano, with some paper. The end. It’s solitary, something I desperately need to restore myself back to normal when the week becomes too heavy on my mind.

In short, why the fuck am I not recording more? Writing music? What the hell is wrong with me?

It’s time to pare down. It’s time to get back to basics. This is the plan:

- get help at the label to pack orders.
- work on my thesis and get it done.
- write music, specifically for HAVE A NICE LIFE and The American Black Chamber.
- everything else can wait.

Let’s see how it all works out.

There have been a lot of changes in my life recently. We’ll deal with them in descending order of importance.

1. I am engaged.

In fact, I am not just engaged, but engaged to Thao, who is the woman of my dreams, so this is no small feat. I am really, really, really excited about it. I won’t bore you with details, but suffice to say, it’s awesome, so is she, and I’m a lucky guy.

2. We signed the lease on a new label space.

The subject of this earlier post, we finally made the decision to lease the large industrial space we’d been looking at. We’re all moved in and I’ve been working there for the past week or two. The ordeal of moving everything while still juggling orders and a 9-hour work schedule is the main reason I haven’t posted anything before now (or done much of anything, before now).

Having the space has fundamentally changed the way I think about the label. It’s a thing, now – a place. It’s more like work. That’s mostly good: I feel more pressure to use the space, work on the label, and get orders out (yes, I am very far behind. I’m working on it. I promise). We’ve set up equipment, and I feel the need to use it. I want to turn it into a video podcast studio – because we have the space, so we should use it, right?

Essentially, I’ve committed money to this part of my life, and everything seems more real when you’ve got money riding on it. It’s a scary, powerful feeling – it seems to imply that this is it, it’s now or never, and we’d better make it work or suffer the consequences. I’m fine with that. Who Dares, Wins, right?

This has been a dream of mine forever, and to have finally accomplished it…it’s hard to describe. It’s incredible.

Thank you so much to all the people who support us, give us money, post on our boards and communicate with us, send emails, submit bands, help out. You’ve made all this possible.

3. Giles Corey came out, and was well-reviewed.

Giles Corey is nearing the 400-sold mark, which is far, far better than I had expected it to do. Not only that, but it’s been extremely well-received, gaining positive reviews more or less everywhere it goes. It’s very hard to put into words how that feels: I’ve got a bit more distance from the material now (it’s out there, in the world, floating around, so it’s not my own private domain any longer), but it’s still so personal that it actually feels strange to know other people are listening to it.

Yet, when I read positive reviews of it I feel…I don’t know, an elation I can’t quite put my finger on. It’s validation, I suppose: all that time, and that energy, thinking about it, putting it down on paper. Amazing.

I’m going to engage in some wankery and post some quotes, mostly because I’ll need to pull them out sometime to update the main website, anyway. So, skip this part if you don’t care.

“It is obvious that Dan Barrett is one of the most talented artists of this generation.” The Inarguable

“I don’t ask you, but beg you to head over to Enemies List right now to pre-order your copy, because once it’s gone it’s not coming back. Trust me, after you nightmares, dried eyes and eased stomach you will thank me, and most importantly you will thank Dan Barrett…” Heavy Boots Music

“Real, raw, and visceral…Giles Corey is an experience, rather than an album filled with songs…will certainly stand as one of the most unforgettable [of the year].” Muzik Discovery

“For all the changes made to the world around us there are still innate things in humans that will cause us to harm ourselves and to hold ourselves back from our true potential. The best thing about Giles Corey is that it all seems okay almost in spite of itself, that for all Barrett’s attempts to make us inhabit his desolate soundscape, goodness shines through in brief flashes and its light is visible if only for a moment. 4/5″ Sputnik Music

“Let me tell you that Mr. Barrett has crafted (willingly or woefully) the finest piece of unflinching blues I’ve heard in twenty years, at least. And by blues, I’m not talking the common, electric safety aggrandized by the White Stripes of the Black Keys. I’m sorry if that sounds petty but when I think blues I think Furry Lewis, Robert Johnson and Blind Lemon Jefferson…Often, this record is so honest, so brutally articulate that it’s difficult to absorb the whole wretched thing.” Pinpoint Music

If you’re interested in picking up a copy of the CD and 150-page book, check out the ELHR store.

4. Giles Corey is going to play a show.

Yes, it’s true: I’m playing a show, a real show with actual, live people. Accompanying me this time will be Tim Macuga (of HANL), Thom Wasluck (of PLANNING FOR BURIAL), and Ted Hine, a professional composer.

Here is the information (from the Facebook event page):

Time
Saturday, August 13 at 4:00pm – August 14 at 4:00am

Location
The Boneyard
20 south virgina ave
Atlantic City, NJ

All day/night show, with BBQ around back.

BANDS:
CUT IT OUT! LAST SET (http://www.ciohate.com/)
GILES COREY(HAVE A NICE LIFE)(http://enemieslist.net/kvl?t/artists/giles-corey/)
J E DOUBLE F (http://music.jedoublef.com?/)
DAN SANCHEZ (LOCAL POET)
TURBOSLEAZE (http://www.myspace.com/TUR?BOSLEAZE)
TRUE THINGS (http://www.truethings.band?camp.com/)
JEFF RICHIE (FINAL ACOUSTIC SET)
HIVELORDS
CAVE CRICKET (NY) (http://cavecricket.bandcam?p.com/)
NO ONE AND THE SOMEBODIES(http://nooneandthesomebodi?es.bandcamp.com/
BILL RIDENOUR (http://billridenour.bandca?mp.com/)
PLANNING FOR BURIAL (http://planningforburial.b?andcamp.com/)
THE ITCHY HEARTS (NY/VA) (http://itchyhearts.bandcam?p.com/)
LIFE WITHOUT A JACKET (http://lifewithoutajacket.?bandcamp.com/)

I’m pretty excited about it. We had our first practice last night, and it sounded good. I’ll be interested to see what it all works out to sound like – we’re doing some different arrangements of the material. If you’re around, please come out and see us. I’ll have various ELHR merch for sale.

Finally, here are pictures of the space, as well as of the Giles Corey practice. Enjoy.

Recently I’ve been working on new t-shirt designs, and I run into a problem I often encounter:

I have no idea what I’m doing.

For all my love of design and interest in designing, I am not a designer. Despite the fact that I have somehow been in charge of designing t-shirts, album art, websites, etc, ever since I can remember, I’m pretty horrible at it. My strategy? Find a cool image – I’m constantly looking for those – adapt it slightly to my needs, and slap some text on it. Done.

My love of medieval imagery is well-known and long-running. The rise of the internet, though, has shown that I’m hardly the only one with those tendencies. Take, for example, a HAVE A NICE LIFE shirt design I worked up this weekend:

Pretty nifty, right? The image is from an Albrecht Durer woodcut, one I’ve loved forever. I actually scanned it in from an expensive book of woodcuts I bought forever ago. I thought I was pretty clever.

It didn’t take long for someone to point out that this shirt:

…uses the same image. Damn it! How dare they be so unoriginal?

But, of course, I’m the one being unoriginal. They were first. And, in truth, everyone is being unoriginal by shameless lifting the work of Albrecht Durer as a shortcut around quality design or original work.

This approach more or less defines ENEMIES LIST. After all, our most famous piece:

…is just a Jacques Louis David painting, contrast raised and cropped slightly. Even that occurred to someone else:

…except that they added a crown! Oooh.

Hamish (of Sleep In fame) wrote in to let me know that an image I used in the Giles Corey book almost made it into the liner notes for his amazing album

Pyramid.

Even after all this, my attempt at another shirt design used Dore’s “Paradiso” illustration, an incredibly well-known image from Dante’s Inferno, which some people have probably heard of. Someone told me that Fucked Up used it at some point, and some metal band, and I’m sure that’s just the tip of the iceberg.

You know the truth that this reveals? My own interests and “design” sensibilities are not unique. Thousands of people just like me are Googling around for cool images and slapping text on them. We’re all swimming in a sea of mediocre shirt designs that rip of artists that have been dead for hundreds of years, and I’m part of that. Sorry, world.

I ask for this by refusing to pay for design, and for liking old things that are in the public domain. Well, I’ve had enough of this problem.

Whatever my next design project is, it isn’t going to use medieval woodcuts. I promise.

My dream, even when I was little, has been to have an office.

I don’t mean any office, and I don’t mean, “I have an office in the giant building of the giant company I work in.” No, I mean an office as in a space; a space devoted to Great Works. A space devoted to doing awesome things, making stuff, creating art and doing business. Something like what I imagine start-ups to be; a large, open space to fill with the things in my imagination.

I blame it on my Dad taking us to his office, and letting us run around and explore while he worked late at night. No one around, abandoned desks, huge filing cabinets with mysterious contents. I even remember the screen savers – back then, having a computer was a big deal to me. These people’s computers were awesome. They had screen savers. This was Serious Business.

That feeling has stayed with me, and I’ve tried to convert interior spaces – my apartment, my room – into something that felt that way, but I’ve never managed it. Something is always lacking. I’ve suspected that it’s too much at home, too easy, too nearby; it needs to feel like the outside, like a new place, a place that’s neither home nor work.

Is this a rational fantasy? Probably not. But it’s one that’s stuck with me all these years, and I think about it often.

When I moved into the house at 8 Oxford, the label went in the basement. It’s pretty big down there, naturally subdivided into two spaces, with one side for my t-shirts and musical equipment and records and one side for Thao, with her tools and wood and circular saws and sawdust. She makes things, I make things. I like it.

There were issues from the start, however. It’s a basement, and gets very little light, making it unpleasant to work in, which makes packing orders a chore. It floods. Water and musical equipment and merchandise don’t mix, which means that everything has to be up off the ground, on pallets. When we bought musical equipment for the HAVE A NICE LIFE shows last year, we couldn’t fit all of it in my basement, and has to keep some at my Mom’s. The ambient moisture threatens to corrode all that expensive equipment, and worry over the loss of that considerable investment lurks in the back of my head most of the time.

And so I’d been casually looking for a place to relocate the label to for a while. I’d do a bit of googling here, scan the newspaper there, not really looking for anything in particular. Office spaces tended to be small and very expensive. The occasional cheap places were tighter than our current space, even if they didn’t flood. Nothing jumped out at me.

Until last night.

Last night I visited an old ball-bearing factory in Meriden and fell absolutely in love. 1200 square feet at 2.50 a square foot. Tall ceilings. Huge, open space. Industrial and run down but still accommodating. No one gives a shit what we do, including the landlord. Surrounded by importers and machinists. 24 hour access.

The space is literally perfect. With heat and electricity, it’d come to about 350 a month.

If this was a year ago, I’d do it right away. At that point, we had a fair amount socked away. Now, though? This hasn’t been a great year for ENEMIES LIST. In a way, that’s our own fault – we ignored our own business model and paid for it. We over invested in large vinyl releases that never recouped. We didn’t protect our margins, meaning that we needed to sell a lot of records to break even, meaning that we couldn’t turn around and re-invest in new stuff as quickly (a hall mark of the ELHR model). That’s brought us back to the days of going into debt to finance releases, which is always risky and hard on me, financially (I’ve just barely scraped my way back out of debt incurred while working for free during student teaching).

Now I want to take on another expense, just to drive further to pack orders? How would we get internet? That’s money that could go to artists – or, hell, even into my own pocket, since I’ve never really paid myself. I mean, does this make any sense at all?

And so we come directly to the intersection of reality and dreams – right to the point where I could either reach out, take a risk, and grasp at something I care about, or play it safe, protect what we’ve built, and follow the tried and true.

There are ways to defray the cost – maybe share the space, maybe store stuff for a fee, even throw small shows or parties – but if I’m going to choose the space, I need to be committed to paying the full amount, no matter what. I can’t assume we’ll figure something else out.

I’d need to take the label more seriously – produce more, sell more. There would be pressure for the first time. If I don’t make my payments with the label, I’d need to make them personally. I’m saving a tiny bit for the first time ever, and to be pushed back into debt would be very disheartening.

Essentially, I can make the leap, and believe we’ll figure it out – that we’ll make enough good stuff that people will give us at least 350 dollars a month, that we’ll step up to the plate when we have to – or I can do what is probably the smart thing, which is not attempt any such thing until we’re on much surer footing.

I really don’t know. What do you think?

I’m trying something really fun, and hopefully, original with NAHVALR. It’s something I’ve been thinking about a lot.

The project is very long-term, but if you’re interested in following along or enjoyed the scavenger hunt stuff we did last year – regardless of whether you are “musical” or not – you should check it out.

Here’s the link if you’re curious.