I haven’t written in here much. I’ve been doing the Twitter thing instead (follow me on Twitter here), short burts of 140 characters more appropriate to my mood lately, which has been good and generally happy. It’s the summer. Things are going well.

That said, I’ve had a growing sense of unease that has recently escalated into full-on anxiety, clenching my stomach muscles and causing me to pace the floors of my messy apartment. That’s more what I’m used to; I’ve spent a lot more time in that state than I have in a peaceful and happy one. That is my personality. I’m a depressive, given to flights of anxious fancy. It happens.

This skirts around a lot of the stuff I wanted to address in the Giles Corey record: I am fully aware that my personality contains a depressive tendency that will never go away, that is fully independent of my external circumstances. In other words, part of me will always be anxious and depressed. I do not mind this.

Periods of panic and sadness do not last forever, and when they end their memory is what drives me to change things, do things. Depression is what makes me play music, what makes me write. Depression is what makes me try to start business, change jobs, go to school, dress better, go out more. My subconscious consists of about 50% withering fatalism and 50% uncontrollable rage and indignance. I oscillate wildly between thinking everything is hopeless and furiously creating elaborate plans to create a reality more to my liking.

Lately, it’s money. I switched into a job I hate. I don’t make enough. I’m eating into my savings. I can’t move in with my girlfriend or do what I want because I’m always worrying about money. The label isn’t making enough money to do what we want. I don’t own anything, I’m not investing or saving, I am a failure, etc, etc.

Sometimes this makes me lay on the couch and stare at the ceiling, remembering a life that is already over. Sometimes it makes me walk up and down the length of the apartment angrily holding imaginary conversations on the virtues and vices of capitalism and how the only thing holding me from Greatness is Fear.

The reality is probably somewhere in the middle.

These “fits” happen. Afterward, I know a change is coming.

Here is the only thing I really know: If you want something to happen, you have to make it happen. No one gives two shits about you and what you want. What you want will not magically happen to you. Things do not get better on their own; indeed, even if your external circumstances stay miraculously the same, your body will deteriorate and your life will still get worse. Things get worse without human intervention, not better.

But gigantic, sweeping changes require too much will-power for most of us to pull of successfully. Will-power and self-control are limited psychic resources; trying to change too many things at once may lead to temporary success but will almost always fail in the long-term. All meaningful changes are incremental. Change something small. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.

The rule is, “Something Every Day”. Do something, anything, even the most seemingly insignificant thing, every day. Make some kind of progress. Some days, you will do more than that. But every day, make a movement towards your ultimate goal.

I want a new job. I want to start my own company. I want to be financially independent. I want to pursue music and the record label. I want to be stronger. I want a better living situation. I want to tour and play live. I want to be known for releasing interesting and unique records. I want to change the music industry forever.

So today I’m going to mail some packages, call a school district, and do some research online. That’s enough for today.

Anxiety comes from not feeling any forward movement. Even the slightest sense of improvement can cure a stifled sense of ambition.

My life may be a total failure, but it would’ve been had I not done anything, anyway. If you are not trying to do something Amazing with your life, why the fuck are you alive?

From a comment on this blog post: “A recent New York Magazine (June 8th) had a different photo concerning this incident. It was probably taken minutes later, but features a close up of Miles’ head with bandages over the wounds.

According to the mag, he was between sets and just “escorted a young white woman to a taxi and paused on the sidewalk to light a cigarette. A cop told him to move along. Davis replied, in his defiant hoarse voice, ‘I work here’ and, pointing to the club’s marquee, ‘That’s my name up there.’ A plainclothes cop, misreading the exchange, rushed over and beat” Miles over the head. He was released on a $10,000 bail. Doctors had to sew five stitches due to the wounds.

This was just a week after he released Kind of Blue.”

Read a little more about the incident here.
One of the best blogs I’ve ever read, by the way. Amazing stuff.

I haven’t written in here in a while, but in general, things are much better, and moving forward in a way that feels natural and right for the first time in a long time. But I wanted to talk a bit about the label.

ENEMIES LIST HOME RECORDINGS has been something that I’ve been working on for a long time; I remember registering the domain from my girlfriend’s couch in Hong Kong, right before heading back to the states, so that was…6 years ago? Maybe? A long time, anyway.

ENEMIES LIST was not originally a label; it wasn’t originally anything. I’ve just put things I’ve done up there, without much plan or concept of where I wanted it to go. I was pretty sure it wasn’t going to go anywhere. I still think that sometimes. Now, however, we’re lucky enough to have some people watching what we’re doing, and so now it’s time to sit and think a bit about where we want to take this thing. Long-term stuff. What the fuck do I want to do when I grow up?

Music’s been a huge part of my life since I joined my first, awful, terrible band in middle school. It never really stopped; I just keep going. I’ve been lucky enough to have one or two small successes. What the fuck do I do with that?

Record labels are awesome and I enjoy running ours. But I’m not sure that’s a good model for us at the ENEMIES LIST. For one, we put out records that we write. We can’t possibly write enough quality records to make that our primary source of income. What’s more, I’m not even sure I want to do that. Making our personal music our source of income puts a great deal of pressure on us to write sale-able material. I want to write crazy, fucked up, mind-blowing shit, even if it’s only me that thinks so. I want to do something different every time. I want to be Miles Davis crossed with Gregory House. I want to be Nietzsche in the desert on a fucking Spirit Journey. How does that change when money becomes the goal?

ENEMIES LIST isn’t really a label at all; we’re not really interested in putting out records, per se; we want to put out OUR records (not to say we won’t put out a record if we like it, because we would; we just don’t go looking for new bands to “sign,” and to be honest, I barely listen to music when I’m writing music, anyway).

ENEMIES LIST is really a brand. It’s basically a sticker we slap on things that involve certain people and share certain philosophies. I like that idea. It means we can engage in certain activities under the auspices of the ENEMIES LIST that aren’t our personal musical endeavors that are aimed at creating income and reinvesting that income into the…whatever the fuck this thing is.

Specifically, I’m interested in film scoring. I’d like to explore that as a way to write music and make money from it (long shot, I know. Especially since I can’t write music and can barely play an instrument, but that’s why I said “explore”). ENEMIES LIST could have a “soundtrack” division. I like the idea of having a group engaged in different activities simultaneously; like a design firm for music and art.

Of course, like all art, it’s hard to monetize ideas like that without turning into an asshole. Since this is a blog post about the intersection of art and commerce, that’s a problem, and it’s a problem I don’t really understand how to overcome. But I am interested in perhaps erasing some of the boundaries between our projects, uniting under some sinister, anonymous umbrella…

Anyway, that’s a lot of hot air, but that’s what I sound like when I’m thinking out loud.

By the way, I should point out that I have a day job, have always had a day job, and enjoy it. So, living off art is the dream. Working while creating art, however, is the true path. If you don’t want to work and create at the same time, you don’t really like creating.

Located here:

http://hammersmashedjazz.blogspot.com/2009/06/have-nice-life-interview.html